Tag Archives: Love

Illusions

Don’t fall for crap it’s a trap. No.. I’m not trying to tell you that there’s some sort of matrix out here.. Neither am I trying to talk about any Christopher Nolan movie..

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It’s like maze and we can’t find our way out.

Some people seem to be liking us.

Some people seem to be hating us.

Some people seem to be confused all the time.

Some people too intelligent, others too stupid.

Does he like me that way or are we just friends?

What does that comment mean? Is he trying to be rude?

What do straight face people mean when they say anything at all?

The list is unending and I just can’t seem to find the right words to describe this whole chaotic situation. The only word that describes it best is ‘illusions’.

Haven’t you ever experienced this, that you had this particular image of a person and that just turned around and then you realised how contradictory your opinions were! Me too. You’re not alone.

Sickest illusion of all? Love.

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Love – I

Defining the indefinable, explaining the indescribable. It feels like a tune that is stuck in your head but you just can’t find the right words to sing it. It’s like a beautiful picture which others can’t see and you just can’t, even after all the efforts, explain. It leaves you breathless and the desperation to show them what you have seen is immeasurable.

This is how it feels like when people ask me about my opinion about love. What saddens me is how media and a huge chunk of people have associated ‘love’ with ‘sexual’ feelings, that it almost sounds like an abuse if you ever happen to use that word.

No narrow minded people you need to stop. Metaphors are crazy and similes are striking. It’s the warmth of milk on cold night, the coolness of mint for a thirsty throat. It’s like the breeze on a hot day, the breath you catch when you’ve ran for a mile. It is essential and inescapable. You will find it but it often appears in disguise. Like anger and rage it isn’t so direct and expressive. But it is as frequent and as intense.

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Maybe it is difficult defining it, but i could tell you where i found it. It’s uncertainty is plausible. It is a life saver. An encounter with love feels like being back at home after a long weary journey. It is in the arms of a mother. There are days which wouldn’t end and nights so sleepless and haunting. After a long suffering when i fall into the arms of my mother i feel, time stops there. And i can always go back to the moment , and i do, whenever i feel i am not blessed enough. If you can find shoulders you can cry your heart on, feeling healed; you have found love. And it is in the eyes of a few people. They believed in me when i didn’t believe in myself. They knew i would rise even when i felt i wouldn’t be alive. It is this feeling that makes life worth living. This feeling of being able to look at ourselves in the mirror and know that we don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Love comes to us even when we don’t love. But it is our refusal of accepting this love that makes us unworthy of it. And by accepting love i mean, giving it back, way more than we received.

Again, I don’t mean to say that sex and love don’t go together. What i mean to say is, we cannot narrow down it’s meaning to it. Because i can’t fail to admit that sometimes a street dog has made me feel more loved than a lot of people related to me have. If you are ready to feel it, it is ready to heal you. Take a deep breath and let the magic in.

Emptiness.

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One Saturday morning you wake up to this disgusting feeling, like someone stole your intestines? Nope that’s too much. Like someone stole this peace which is in your gut. Yeah exactly.

It’ s one of the most awkward feelings one can ever go through. And i’m there in the shower telling my brain “Dude. Come on. We’re already all worked up with a million things on our to-do list. You really wanna play this crap?” Perhaps, the heart wants what it wants (No no no. Not a Selena Gomez fan.)

No matter how much you try to get yourself distracted by stuff, the emptiness that has taken your world for a monster ride isn’t ending and heading nowhere! You clean the bookshelf, you do every god damn work you had kept pending since 2001 . Nope not working.

Let’s try to figure this one out.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Sia. Sia was a sucker for beautiful leaves. Every morning Sia would go to school and by the time she came back she would often bring two or three beautiful leaves and keep them in a box. Days came  when Sia was so busy that she would often slightly open the small tin box in which she kept the leaves, quickly put the leaves inside and close it. Eventually Sia started noticing a foul smell in her room everyday. One Sunday morning she opened her box of leaves only to find her leaves withering and rotten. 

Devastating? Yes it was for her. Why? Because the leaves that she collected were often the only good that happened to her throughout the day. Why couldn’t she take care of it? She thought keeping the leaves in a box would preserve them but only heaven knows how wrong she was. 

“Grandma. My leaves. My leaves are rotten and gone! ” cried Sia almost disappearing into grandma’s arms. The only thing grandma had to say was

“Sia. If ever you love something, never try to hoard. If ever you hate something, never try to hoard it too. Anything  that is hoarded rots. Whether good or bad and it never does any good.” 

So YOU need to stop. Whether it’s the happy feelings or the sad ones. Crazy thoughts or the happy ones. Jot it down, sing it out. Dance it off or play it up. Anyway, do not hoard it. Don not let it stay. Because this emptiness in the gut is actually emptiness in the brain that can never bring any good.

So if you love them. Tell them. If you dislike them, stay away from them. If it hurts, nurture it. If it makes you happy, let the world know. No matter what, feelings like chocolates shouldn’t be ignored (you are going to hell for ignoring chocolates)

It doesn’t let you do what you want, live how  you can . And one day it strikes you like thunder and lightning and all you understand is that ‘someone just stole my intestine’. So save your intestines before you lose you butt.

Love,

Nidhi

xoxoxox

Dealing With Death

Don’t you cry for the lost, smile for the living.

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Well this is one very sensitive aspect of our lives. Something that we never want to think about until we really face it. Until it has been pushed on us.

Death? The Leveler (James Shirley). Cold heart-ed. No-heart-ed. Adjectives are endless shades of dark, cruel and inevitably soul piercing. A heartless bastard who takes a part of you away, a void is created, a vacuum which shall always remain. A beast who can’t see you in love. A shadow of hell perhaps.

Well. The madness of these adjectives and descriptions has to stop. Stop. Take. A. Deep. Breath. Yeah! Now let’s begin afresh.

A warm hug to you, you and you. Anyone and everyone who felt doomed, shaken and betrayed because it was death, the ultimate robber, the invincible fiend who took your loved ones away from you. I felt doomed astonishingly many times. Severely twice.

The first time i was introduced to the whole concept of someone leaving you and never coming back was someone very near to me. My father. Ten years ago. My grandfather, quiet recently. My heart winces a little as i write, but i will complete this nevertheless.

For some of us, our fate has been too hard on us. We didn’t have the remotest of all ideas that such a thing might strike on us. That suddenly the next day you wake your whole world would have changed, in a way destroyed, in another dismantled. For others it had been long anticipated, the ache is the same, just the form is different.

Who knows when, when is the last time you are saying goodbye to someone you love. Who knows when is the last time you are looking into their eyes, so full of emotions because if death takes over, they’d be lifeless and saying nothing.

Yes. How this affects us is cruel but how we let it affect us is what makes the real difference. Ten years ago when i was a ten year old, i couldn’t really understand the meaning of death. It was something beyond my scope of comprehension. When it occurred, i knew i had been struck. Memories were overflowing. I would keep forgetting that he isn’t a part of us anymore and tears would sting my eyes at the oddest of all hours, leaving me embarrassed and vulnerable.

1. Empathy v/s Sympathy

I kept going through this for a long time. People changed. Their behavior had changed. Some would look at us with sympathy, others with disgust. The sympathy only infuriated me, the disgust only left me puzzled. I mean . YES I LOST MY DEAR ONE, BUT I CAN DO MY SHIT ON MY OWN!

Empathy and sympathy are two different things. The moment you sympathise with them is the moment you are inviting serious outrage.  ‘You don’t have to feel sorry for me.’

If you are going through such a situation, sometimes sympathies are tempting. Beware, it’s a trap. It’ll only make you emotionally parasitic, hollowing you from inside, making it difficult to recover.

2. Cry your heart out

It is okay to not be okay sometimes. If it hurts, cry it out! Stop swallowing hard on the lump in your throat.  It’s essential to go with the flow. Let it go, every thing that holds you back must go. Till when shall you hold a storm inside you, if not released it’ll only destroy you.

3. Don’t look for consolation

Nobody will give you the consolation you need. It cannot be enough! It isn’t your favorite pen that you have lost! It’s darn more! You cannot expect someone to heal your wounds. At the same time you cannot be ungrateful. The fact that they want to console you is also the fact that they care. Hold onto people who care dammit! (But don’t suck their blood! Come on!)

4. Stop crying your heart out

You CAN’T cry all your life. No matter how much you cry, it is NEVER going to erase the scars that their absence has left. You can’t keep filling you dustbin with tissue papers.

Get up. Look at yourself in the face. You are not weak. He has given you a tough storm because He believes you can go through a tough storm. Don’t make Him feel He was wrong.

Get your shit together!

5. Make their presence felt

Your loved ones always yearned for your happiness and success. Realise their dreams, so what if they can’t be there to celebrate it with you? Look for their presence in the happiness of others. Do your share, contribute to someone’s happiness in their name. Adopt a pet; find a new hobby. Do anything you feel would make them happy. Their happiness will give you happiness. This is how the world goes ahead. Let your heart decide.

Because life goes on

And even if i’m not there tomorrow
I’d still hope your laughter would fill
All the air around you
And I would still wish
It is only happiness that surrounds you

I have gone away from the world
Which was at times bitter, at other times sweet
But I’m still somewhere near your heart
Calm down, death isn’t a defeat

It in fact is a river we cross
Who knows what shall lay ahead
Nevertheless, no matter what
You’ll be in my thoughts when i’m going to bed

So even if i’m not there tomorrow
Even if my memories fade away
I’ll be there somewhere
Always smiling and wishing the best for you

Love, to everyone.

What if

Valentine’s Day is on the corner and you got nobody. Calm the f down. All of us are in the same boat.

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I really don’t know about you but ‘I’ have been single since forever and trust me, although i use this ‘i am so damn single’ thing to crack jokes and make people laugh, i certainly am not ashamed of it.

Yes yes yes. It’s the same old story. Better be alone than with the wrong person. Maybe I’m not ready for it. It’s too much of an ordeal and pressure. Ain’t nobody got time fellas (Last one, God damn excuse i know *winks*)

The kinds of couples these days make you feel like ‘Uhh No! It’s tacky and a big no no!’ But anyway if all of us really found someone who could sweep us off our feet I’m sure we’d do it “Why the f not!”

Then. What if. What if you found someone.

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No. There’s no background violins playing, no f-ing DDLJ SRK on the guitar. But someone who understands you. Someone who is like. Let’s focus on making the most of this opportunity called life. Someone who is not thinking about asking you out, or getting you laid.  Someone who craves happiness and believes that you could be a part of his. That is what we need. Someone who can be happy in our presence.

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Someone who’ll take you to weird and crazy places. He doesn’t have to take you on dates, he doesn’t have to ‘please’ you. He let’s you be yourself, helps you be yourself!  That’s what we want. Exactly what we want. And if you haven’t got that. Stfu and chill with your friends! Or ping me! Valentine’s Day is stay home in pajamas day for me! 😀

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Mr. Darcy is there somewhere and the magic is yet to happen. Be yourself. Let’s be worth Mr. Darcy. If you know what i mean.

You are a woman and it’s not a shame TO BE!

Lol. Provocative isn’t it? the heading?

In every walk of life you face it. The whole sexism thing is the sickliest that could ever have happened. Yes my dear, sexism is sickly, not being a woman!

I was blessed enough to be born in this family where we were always treated as equals. Me and my brother. In fact there are times when i feel my parents end up spending less on my brother and more on me!

The point which prevails is are we equals?

Yes! We are! We were created together and i sincerely doubt the greatest of all artists, the maker of universe, the giver of life, the architect the God as we call could have ever been narrow minded.

Anyway not getting into this whole thing ( i could write a god damn book and feel it’s still not enough) let us move ahead.

It is our responsibility to tell our daughters and wives and nieces and sisters and most importantly our friends that being a woman is nothing to be ashamed of.

People will try to pull you down, you might not be paid as must as your male colleagues, they will laugh at you, sometimes cat call at other times insult you and be certainly demeaning.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO STOP!

You cannot teach people a lesson by going to them and explaining them the whole thing. Lol. Seriously you thought of that? These people have gone to school and have read books, watched television and they are aware of what is right and what is wrong. The sad reality is that they CHOOSE  to be wrong. You cannot help someone who has chosen to be wrong.

Just because you like pizza, am i allowed to shove it down your throat? No? exactly. A woman likes sex but no one is calling to be eve teased or molested or raped.

What can you do?

  • If you feel it’s severe. Report to the police.
  • Tell your family so that they are aware of any trouble you’ve been in.
  • There’s nothing to be ashamed of being in trouble. Your family and friends know how the world is.
  • You need to feel sorry for people who are wrong. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF
  • DO NOT GET DEPRESSED
  • There are good people in this world and there is still hope.
  • Don’t keep it in you and let it eat yourself up
  • You are not just a pretty face. You are not the small boobs, big ass or whatever they call you. No body is perfect and there is no prototype for perfect. There are examples of being inhuman, which are those people who DO NOT deserve your attention
  • They shouldn’t be the last thing you think of, before falling off to sleep.

You might be wondering how am i able to write precisely about it. Because i have felt it and gone through it. I know how it feels and i know that this is a very common thing. I have ruined my nights and i have exploited my days. But i have learnt how to live. I have grown out of it and i am not looking back. Never.

 

 

I don’t know

I don’t know what to do with the tranquility of the night
I don’t know what to do with the absence of you on my side
I count every second as the day passes away
But with every passing moment i wish that you would stay

Not long before i had you in my arms
And without you my eyes have lost all the charm
With every setting sun and with every rising moon
I wish i pray i beg that i could see you soon

I want to say good night i want to close my eyes
My breath full of despair my lips full of sighs
I don’t know what to do with the tranquility of the night
I don’t know what to do with the absence of you by my side

The Girl In Red Heels XII

My life had changed. Ever since i saw those red heels. I looked at this girl, my life had changed and i knew it was never gonna be the same.

Tatiana had a million problems but you know what’s unbeatable? The fact that she was capable of dealing with everything. Not only her academic excellence but also her ability to practically deal with risks posed by the market was precise and up-to-date. The girl had left me spell bound.

Every evening we would meet over coffee and discuss strategic plans. Every weekend we worked on presentations and ideas. The girl might have the elegance of Queen Elizabeth but Highness has the tongue of a nasty truck driver, her abuses can certainly take you to a state of shock.

Tatiana Singhal, the only heiress for the Singhal Group of Industries, daughter of the one and only Mahesh Singhal had unfortunately lost her mother at the age of five, her father being her world. She would often visit his office and was familiar with how the company works since a very young age. Mr. Singhal was not only proud but also grateful to have Tatiana in his life. As time passed Mr. Singhal would often feel lonely and found love again after twenty years of his wife’s demise in Priya Mehra who is an entrepreneur herself. Ever since Mrs. Mehra became a part of the family things changed. Mr Singhal believed that Priya would be a mother, would love Tatiana more than he ever could. All this to his disappointment she crept into the family and made Mr. Singhal believe that Tatiana’s social ideas were not only futile with respect to the company but also harmful. On the other hand Tatiana often looked at the company as her offspring and had nursed her in the very same way. Mr. Singhal after weeks of instigation asked Tatiana to stay back at home saying that ‘There isn’t any need for you to work, love. Why am i here? ‘

Hence, Tatiana had to prove herself. She needed no one. Nobody could stop her but herself. Days passed and so did months. I had something to look forward to. Her ambition had become mine, passion is a very contagious things. Some Saturday nights we would often stay up all night.

After a year and a half, we had finally some place to stand. We had studied the company’s previous records, customer feed backs, feed backs from manufacturing units and distributors and retailers. We also studied the state of the market and the changes in the same. Finally we had the report, we had the god damn report in our hand.

It was 1.01. Yes it was on a Saturday night when she finally copied the presentation carefully into her CD. There was a moment of silence. We had worked hard for it. Day and night. Months. We never went out. Never roamed around. We were focused and today in the middle of the the night the task had been accomplished.

“Coffee?” She asked me, her eyes twinkled but you could see all the tiredness on her face.

“Sure I need it” I laughed.

She quickly went to the coffee machine to set it up. I flipped through the pages. My mind went back to when i had met her.. How much i learnt from her. What i learnt from her was impeccable. The girl who seemed all bold and ‘i will crush the world’ was so warm inside. She wanted to do business but she didn’t want to plunder. She wanted her customers to be happy. The most important thing is.. She wanted her employees to be happy, their children to be happy. She had taken this whole thing to a new level. Yes she was using her brain to execute what her heart wanted, happiness for everyone.

No she wasn’t sad or empty. She was full of compassion and enthusiasm. She can make a dead man work. No. She didn’t need a knight in shining armor on the white horse. She didn’t need to be saved. In fact she could save the knight himself!

“Here” she handed me the coffee mug and sat next to me. i took a quick sip.

“Ouch!!” I winced.

“Careful stupid! ” she laughed as she looked into my eyes. One moment, one moment it took. And there i was kissing her, tears rolled down her cheek, every moment i spent with her came back as i felt the warm drop of tear between our cheek. She kissed me back with everything she had. We were tired we were exhausted but we were lost in the moment. All of a sudden i realized what was happening. I pulled back.

“I think we need to sleep” Tatiana said looking away

“Yeah I’ll sleep here on the couch” i said.

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The Girl In Red Heels XI

We sat facing each other on the coffee table in my apartment. As i gave her a mug, the dark brown coffee table, the white mug and her blood red nail paint, one hand curled around the mug and the other softly tapping the table, she wasn’t at peace.

” Now what.. ” she said softly, lowering her lashes again

“Now we need to figure something out, you shouldn’t have done what you did”

“Don’t give me all this, you get it!!” She started with aggression and as her voice became brittle, fresh tears came into her eyes.

What did I just do! Kill me!!! I felt goosebumps. She was hurt. Impulsive as it was, I instantly went next her and sat, her hands on mine. She was trying to blink her tears away.

“Tatiana!”

She raised her gaze at me and in a moment there she was in my arms as she sobbed harder than I had ever heard. Her cry was unforgettable, inconsolable. There she was at my shoulder weeping, and I couldn’t do anything. She didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t know her at all. But the pain, the pain was familiar. Although I had never been through things at that moment I just knew, just knew what she was feeling. She melted in my arms and wept aa she was almost on my lap. I felt so helpless. Maybe she needs to cry and vent it out. It isn’t that she isn’t strong. But at this moment she was like a beautiful flower that someone had crush with their heel. She had not lost herself but she was in pain and the ones who had probably caused it were completely unaware of it.

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