Love Me A Bit LouderĀ 

Love me a bit louder tonight
Put your hands on my racing heart
Kiss my trembling lips and hold me tight
Your love molten gold, sealing the cracks of my broken heart 

Love me a bit louder tonight
Tell me secrets you’ve told no one
Of lost love and childhood fights 
Of what darkens your soul and who’s your sun

Love me a bit louder tonight
While I tell the wolves I’m back 
As I hear your laughter, the prettiest sight
And I pack all my fears in a sack 

Love me a bit louder tonight 
And let’s run with this sack to the sea
I’ll throw it far away, releasing all fright 
And let the waves gently wash you and me 

Love me a bit louder tonight
It’s time I steal your fears too 
And burn them till the flames are bright
As I kiss every inch of you 

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Once Again.

I can with no hesitation declare this week to be one of the most adventurous and life changing week ever. There’s so much to say and you know I’m going to be vague AF. But I need to put a bit of this here. 

A bit of trivial information, been on bed since the past four days or so. Caught a terrible cold, I’m better now. But being on bed when you have too much to contemplate can make one very restless. Made me. 

I know I should get to the point so here it is. About a week ago had been forced to attend this particular farewell party one of our family friend was throwing for his son who’s about to leave for the USA to complete some Master In Surgery/ Medicine/ somedickdontaskme. And of course he wanted everyone to know , let’s not go there. Anyway, I had to wear a dress and spanx. I’m sorry my male readers but can we talk about this for a second? Spanx fucking suck you up in to a tube so your bottom looks picture perfect, Marilyn Monroe style but your thighs feel like they’re in prison and my va-jay-jay felt so gloomy sad and claustrophobic. We ( me and my, you know, privateparts) weren’t so happy about the whole set up at first, but when I looked into the mirror I can’t deny it made me happy. But the moment I walked out of the house, it was pouring heavily. The sky was a shade of grey and it just made me feel very depressed. The silence in the car wasn’t helping. By the time I reached the party, I had put on this mask of happiness and enthusiasm but someone who knew me could easily tell I wasn’t having a good day. 

It was there, when I met people I last met in 2010 or something I realised how far I’ve come from what I was. I could see the surprise, the shock in their eyes. Like a snake sheds its skin, painful as it was I had done the same. And I was completely conscious of this fact, what I did realise in midst of people chattering is the fact that it is time, again, to shed my skin. I’m the kind of person (I’m sure you know) who constantly curses time and yet adores it. I keep memories close to my heart. But I never analyse them too much. I hate taking life so seriously. 

When people started bringing up all sorts of incidences from the past, in the beginning it was all fun and games. But eventually it started triggering in me an anxiety attack. I didn’t want anyone to know so I quietly went by the bar and picked up a glass of wine. As I was nursing my drink, the guy who’s farewell party it was, came by and started forcing me to dance. I know I was dressed suitably to dance, I know I can dance, and at any other occasion I wouldn’t have said no. But as he pulled me to the dance floor and pulled me closer, I found myself hating my younger self, hating the fact that I ever let myself be devoured by circumstances and I hated myself even more because in spite of hating my younger self for all the chaos, I loved her, empathized with her and I knew that she did the best she could. I was feeling too much and I wasn’t in a mood to be groped so I went stiff for a moment and the next moment I found myself walking off the dancefloor giving the guy a disgusted look. The rest of the evening was a bit of a relief (because time solves most problems, and what time can’t solve, wine helps forgetting). 

That night when I came back home, I was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. My bed was wet, my legs hurt with the heels, but my heart for some reason was smiling. That’s when I decided that maybe it truly is time. To love more fearlessly. To live more whole heartedly. To believe in that little girl who’d walk through fire for what she loved. Once again. 

P.S. Can’t reply to any letters because I’m at my mom’s. 

I broke the shackles

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m afraid. But I don’t know what is it that’s making me feel like something has changed. I feel like I’ve lost this heavy weight from my shoulders, like burning old painful letters by the lake.

And I know that possibly this anxiety is actually the beginning of new things. Maybe it is the aftereffect of finally coming out of a state of denial and self blame. Why shouldn’t my soul be scared for after staying in the cage for an era, I’ve come out and there’s so much air that I can’t breathe.

My time here is short and there are several things to be done. I always kept myself busy tending to others’ wounds because I didn’t have the courage to look at my own. I was afraid I’d lose hope, that I won’t be strong anymore or even that I might look down upon my own self. But you made me look at them, and if today was my last day I’d at least feel happy that I embraced the flaws in my destiny.

I have a million thoughts moving in my head like a whirlwind, so much that some of them I only feel like a tickling wave in my brain. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t know what the future is, I don’t know if I’m ever going to make it to the finish line. But one thing that I’m sure about is that I’m free from the clutches of memories I’d hidden in my pillow cover. Maybe I will take some time to get rid of the influence they have on my soul, but they no longer hold me back.

Even if tomorrow is going to be dramatically different from today, even if the sun starts to set in the east and I stop being a coffee fiend, I will choose you a thousand times and more, not because you own me, because you set me free.

I Think It Must Be Love

Eight months ago I remember telling God how difficult I found writing about love without feeling it as deeply as it felt like I could. And while wishing for love I had never known what I was asking for was something so magical, something so much into the veins of this world and yet out of it.

When I met him I was in a state of severe depression. Undiagnosed at that time, I didn’t know what was happening with me. The emotional pain, the lethargy, the disappearing interest from life all felt like a phase, a part of my destiny, a recently discovered part of my soul. Hence, when I was actually getting into this thing which they call a relationship, I was very preoccupied with many thoughts. I was getting panic attacks, I was moody, heartbroken, unhealed and misunderstood.

With so many things to worry at my side and hundreds of miles away, a several other on his, it did not seem like a priority or a responsibility. It was a relief to know that there was someone who cared more than many others, I wasn’t even afraid of a heartbreak, I was being brave. But eventually as time passed I found myself wondering if he was fine. Each time I spoke to him I found myself getting closer. I wanted to know more, I wanted to understand, I wanted to spend hours talking about the most random things on earth. I loved how I could forget the misery that depression and anxiety brought to me and talk to him and let him occupy my thoughts. It wasn’t easy for him I’m sure to be with someone so battered. Someone so messed and confused. I don’t know how survived, how we survived.

Slowly, it no longer was about just another friend whom you talk to. It became more than that. It became my strength when I was being weak, it became my anchor when I was random and chaotic, it became reason when I was being irrational but above everything it became a reason to give living a shot. Isn’t it crazy how we out of nowhere find a human heart so beautiful that you just want to nurture it and keep it safe and happy?

I started feeling insecure. I didn’t want to give my heart in someone else’s hand. I didn’t want to expect in spite of how many things I felt deep inside me. But when I started realising that he had insecurities too.. That he felt things in a similar if not the same way, I got the courage to put myself out there. I knew it was going to hurt, I knew it was going to be difficult but I had found someone I wanted to love. In the past I have regretted not loving people enough before I lost them, if something is worth the pain, I thought, it had to be this.

And today, after so much time has passed I have realized the beauty of this fucked up thing called love. And here’s what i think about it. Love is the ultimate truth of living and it’s magical because it’s astonishingly real, it moves you, it makes you accept the human nature and it teaches you that life must be lived in the moment. It is unpredictable, it is delicate yet strong but above all worth dying for. It helps you evolve into a better version of yourself. It makes you kinder and more empathetic. It makes life worth living.

I don’t know what tomorrow beholds

If you remember me then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.
– Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore

Lost

It crept inside my soul as I woke up
By the time I opened my eyes it was gone
I ran and closed the windows so I could scream
And cried bitterly as I waited for the dawn

It took away from me something dear to me
Something I thought I could never lose
I searched the chests of my mind that night
Not knowing why it was me that it had to choose

As the grey clouds hovered over the hillside
And mothers rushed their children back inside
I stood there to feel the needles pierce me
Those who don’t feel need no place to hide

The only thing I felt is the lack of feeling I told people and they told me I was insane
I sat baffled under the trees and held them tight
For I knew I’d have to walk down the memory lane

In every direction I went determined to find it
I didn’t care how far it could’ve gone
Thought I’d change it thought I’d save
My mind an empty canvas my heart a sad song

Loneliness And Fear – IV

Some nights like this I can’t sleep
Squeeze my eyes shut let tears fall
I feel like I’m falling in a dungeon deep
I know I can’t run so I try to crawl

Some nights like this the silence kills
I know I’m trouble, I have nothing to give
I feel like I’m standing on top of a hill
I want relief but because of you I want to live

Some nights like this my soul aches
Another night with a heavy black heart
Maybe I don’t have what it takes
A moment later I might fall apart

Some nights like this are full of gloom
I know I disappoint you but I never wanted to
My heart is full of love but my brain’s towards it’s doom
I want to fix myself but I don’t know what to do

Every night like this has passed
And this shall pass too
I do feel broken and scarred
But with all my pieces I shall love you

In another world

In another world maybe the skies aren’t grey
It’s summer in that world, with flowers and hay
Where the people smile and the birds sing
Where there’s no hatred and words don’t sting

In another world maybe the children still play
In playgrounds large, with mud and clay Where every child is loved and everyone’s got a chance
Where the air is full of art and music and dance

In another world maybe the women stand tall
And fearless and cheerful who know it’s okay to fall
And men like women are happy and gay
They make the world together, together they stay

In another world maybe at this time before dawn
When the Moon’s shining bright and all insecurities are gone
I will be yours and you will be mine
Whether happy or sad together we shall shine

Rambling

I’ve fallen for the echoes of the voices in my head
The remnants of a dream I’ve been trying to forget
Pain is a sentiment necessary to the heart
Those who dare to love must be ready to fall apart

Like yesterday, today is dull with longing
You promised you’d stay but I wouldn’t know if you were lying
False promises of a false hope but you don’t know where this leads
Worlds are burnt to the ground when a genuine heart bleeds

I’ve lost too much now to be scared of losing
I’m my own anchor and my heart I’m holding
I’m my own sails, I’m not afraid of getting lost
Those who’re cold inside aren’t afraid of the frost

Why did you call me from the dungeon of my thoughts?
Only to remind of the wars that I’ve fought?
Of the ugly scars they’ve left forever in my soul
Nobody chooses pain, to walk on burning coal

I thought

image

I thought I was following my dreams
But I lost them somewhere and I’m still
Afraid of taking a single step
Afraid that I might fall down the hill

I thought I had something in me
Something I believed in, a reason to live
But all of a sudden I’ve stumble now
I got no excuses to give

My words feel scared they aren’t worthy enough
My eyes are red, my throat speechless
Tears have stopped running down my cheek
I can’t bear the noise, I feel hopeless

I howl like a wolf howling at the moon
I don’t know how, I don’t know where
Life’s taking itself away from me
Do you hear my cry? Do you care?

A letter from a friend

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A writer’s pen is like a photographer’s picture, only more elaborate for it ceases not just a moment but those yet to come, those that may or may not come true and those that give you the hope to keep living. So being a writer’s friend you are on paper, just more real than everyone else and a little more imaginary and fantastical, for you now are a plethora of hopes for someone.

Now, when people ask me who I am ( which is what I identify myself as) I often tell them I’m a student. There’s an infinite amount of knowledge scattered all over the world, I couldn’t stop being a student even if I wanted to. Like Lord Byron, I do believe that only so much can be learnt from books. The real things are learnt in the school of life and life indeed is the most disciplined of all teachers.

So the other day I received a letter from a friend. From whatever memory I have of the past, this friend of mine was always looked upon as the most cold and reserved person. His personality reflects his candid nature. You know if you want an honest opinion about something you might want to ask him. If you wanted to take a pragmatic decision, he’s the best one to ask suggestions from. For some reason, it had always been beyond me that someone could ever be so cold and indifferent the way he comes out to everyone. Somewhere in my heart I have always known that it might be true that some people feel things more deeply than others but it’s rather impossible to feel nothing at all.

When I read the letter I realised how wrong a lot of our friends had been all these years. How insane it is, the fact that being strong sometimes means you have no one around to care for you. Everyone needs care. Everyone deserves it.

I think when the coldest of all hearts break, it hurts the most. And because you as their friend have never faced this before you just don’t know how to help them heal. And you just can’t wait and watch them hurt. It’s a terrible place to be in, both ways.

It is only after reading the letter I realised how much lack of love the world has. How many problems would be solved if people were blatantly honest the way my friend is. Life’s gonna be beautiful only if we keep changing our perspective on it. Looking at it in the same direction, the way a horse looks at the finishing point, might help you end the race. Even win it. But you’re surely gonna miss a lot of the journey, the most beautiful parts of it.

To be cared for is beautiful but to care for someone selflessly is the most gratifying feeling in the world. To be cared for gives your courage but to care for someone shows you the strength you never knew you had.

I read the letter from the balcony of my apartment that has a serene view of a lake, of the busy streets of my city and of an unending pair of railway tracks. It felt like the city stood still for a moment and the wind that ruffled my hair told me, that perhaps it’s not all that bad to love with all your heart and live with all your guts, if only you try to look at things with a perspective a little different than yours.