Falling in love with someone who loves you? It isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. I had seen a different phase of life, a different face of the world in days i had spent with her working on her goals with her. I found her attractive, not in the way we see stories of women on Tumblr. Of cute little girls with beautiful curls and picturesque backgrounds.
My girl is different. She sings her favorite songs on the radio out loud, some of them she sings very well. She can spend the whole day cleaning the house and the next day messing it back to square one. She laughs hard, loves harder. She has infinite compassion filled in her and i feel that is what keeps her on track. The more i fall for her, the more she inspires me.
What makes her feel happy? Surprises. If she’s expecting me to give her roses, okay cool she’ll like them. But if some day i buy roses on the way while we have planned dinner together. The expression on her face is, is the expression we want to see on everyone we love. The moment you feel that they can feel your love for them is the moment your relationship is going on the right track.
She is an uptown girl but it isn’t a costly affair. She doesn’t want me to buy shoes for her. She isn’t so much into shopping. She wants me to take her to new places, go on long drives, try new restaurants and cafes. That is what i want too. And that is the best part.
Picture perfect? No. I found myself going back to the state i was in. I would avoid meeting her too often, meeting anyone at all. Work i did, but it didn’t really interest me. I had everything. A loving partner, a happy family, a friendly workplace. Something was killing me.
It isn’t that i didn’t love her. I did. I do. I will always. But it felt like i couldn’t face her, i couldn’t face myself. It made me feel sick in my heart. I wanted to give so much. I wanted to love. I wanted to feel her feeling it. But i couldn’t. As if i was under the clutches of my own self. A part of me that had always pulled me down.
It went on for days, months. We would meet twice a week, hesitant as i was i would try to run away as soon as i can. This got later reduced to one and then i hadn’t met her for two weeks. She was very patient with me, this killed me even more.
One night i returned from office at around 11.30. I was tired. That had been the strategy, to work so hard that you finally fall asleep. As i reached the door of my apartment, i felt strange. As i held the handle so i could insert the key, to my surprise the door was open. I opened the door only to find Tatiana sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed. She wasn’t smiling. I was anticipating a slap but she’s too kind for that.
“Did you eat?” She asked plainly.
“Yeah. ” I said, trying to read her face.
“I had dinner with dad”
I went into the bedroom. I desperately needed a shower. I noticed that she had done a hell lot of cleaning. My wrecked cave was looking like an apartment after months. I quickly showered and changed into my tracks and tee.
“I’ll sleep in the front room, you could use the bed room” I smiled. If you smile unwillingly you look like a creep!
” We could talk for sometime and then sleep” She said softly but i knew it was a demand.
“Actually i am tired..”
” Is there a place i could hide the dead body because if you are daring to argue, i am willing to kill you” She was furious. Shut up and go to the bedroom you ass.
I sat on the bed resting my back against the wall, she sat next to. It was crazy who she deals with things. She said nothing, just put her arm around mine and held my hand. We sat there in midst of the dim yellow lamp light and the hums of the air conditioner. Even when i couldn’t see her face, i felt her happiness. Her presence calmed me down but at the same time there was a hurricane inside ready to explode. It had been 20 minutes and i started feeling uncomfortable. She sensed it. But she didn’t say anything.
She rolled over and hugged me. She wrapped her legs around me, her arms around neck and finally broke the silence.
“What is it?” she said in a whisper.
I struggled to speak but there was a lump in my throat. What could i tell her when i myself am unaware of this misery that has killed me all my life. She withdrew to look at my face. One hand in my hair, her palm on my cheek. She looked into my eyes and i broke down.
I cried loudly. I am afraid i scared her. It wasn’t under my control. I sobbed, inhaled and sobbed again. She pulled me closer, her chin on my head as i endlessly sobbed.
I had lost track of time. I looked at her face through teary eyes. She wiped my tears. It felt like she understood that i had no clue what was happening to me. But you know what the best part is? Her faith in our relationship, her trust in me. Had it been anybody else, insecurities would have easily crept in. She trusted me, which made me stronger.
I didn’t have to say anything but it was that moment i felt her love the most. This was the best thing that had ever happened to me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
As we melted into a kiss which was more divine than earthly, it was the first time i felt i could come out of whatever this was. It was the first time i felt that i will defeat the demons inside me. Demons that push me back and pull me down.
Love isn’t about the color of her lipstick or the number of abs on your body. It is being someone’s strength when you are yourself broken, it is showing someone the way when you are blinded. It is the reason we win and the reason we lose. And if your love inspires you to win the battle of life, understands things in you which you are unaware of, and holds your hand through every phase you go through, it indeed is love.