Eight months ago I remember telling God how difficult I found writing about love without feeling it as deeply as it felt like I could. And while wishing for love I had never known what I was asking for was something so magical, something so much into the veins of this world and yet out of it.
When I met him I was in a state of severe depression. Undiagnosed at that time, I didn’t know what was happening with me. The emotional pain, the lethargy, the disappearing interest from life all felt like a phase, a part of my destiny, a recently discovered part of my soul. Hence, when I was actually getting into this thing which they call a relationship, I was very preoccupied with many thoughts. I was getting panic attacks, I was moody, heartbroken, unhealed and misunderstood.
With so many things to worry at my side and hundreds of miles away, a several other on his, it did not seem like a priority or a responsibility. It was a relief to know that there was someone who cared more than many others, I wasn’t even afraid of a heartbreak, I was being brave. But eventually as time passed I found myself wondering if he was fine. Each time I spoke to him I found myself getting closer. I wanted to know more, I wanted to understand, I wanted to spend hours talking about the most random things on earth. I loved how I could forget the misery that depression and anxiety brought to me and talk to him and let him occupy my thoughts. It wasn’t easy for him I’m sure to be with someone so battered. Someone so messed and confused. I don’t know how survived, how we survived.
Slowly, it no longer was about just another friend whom you talk to. It became more than that. It became my strength when I was being weak, it became my anchor when I was random and chaotic, it became reason when I was being irrational but above everything it became a reason to give living a shot. Isn’t it crazy how we out of nowhere find a human heart so beautiful that you just want to nurture it and keep it safe and happy?
I started feeling insecure. I didn’t want to give my heart in someone else’s hand. I didn’t want to expect in spite of how many things I felt deep inside me. But when I started realising that he had insecurities too.. That he felt things in a similar if not the same way, I got the courage to put myself out there. I knew it was going to hurt, I knew it was going to be difficult but I had found someone I wanted to love. In the past I have regretted not loving people enough before I lost them, if something is worth the pain, I thought, it had to be this.
And today, after so much time has passed I have realized the beauty of this fucked up thing called love. And here’s what i think about it. Love is the ultimate truth of living and it’s magical because it’s astonishingly real, it moves you, it makes you accept the human nature and it teaches you that life must be lived in the moment. It is unpredictable, it is delicate yet strong but above all worth dying for. It helps you evolve into a better version of yourself. It makes you kinder and more empathetic. It makes life worth living.
I don’t know what tomorrow beholds
If you remember me then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.
– Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore