Category Archives: How I look at life

I Think It Must Be Love

Eight months ago I remember telling God how difficult I found writing about love without feeling it as deeply as it felt like I could. And while wishing for love I had never known what I was asking for was something so magical, something so much into the veins of this world and yet out of it.

When I met him I was in a state of severe depression. Undiagnosed at that time, I didn’t know what was happening with me. The emotional pain, the lethargy, the disappearing interest from life all felt like a phase, a part of my destiny, a recently discovered part of my soul. Hence, when I was actually getting into this thing which they call a relationship, I was very preoccupied with many thoughts. I was getting panic attacks, I was moody, heartbroken, unhealed and misunderstood.

With so many things to worry at my side and hundreds of miles away, a several other on his, it did not seem like a priority or a responsibility. It was a relief to know that there was someone who cared more than many others, I wasn’t even afraid of a heartbreak, I was being brave. But eventually as time passed I found myself wondering if he was fine. Each time I spoke to him I found myself getting closer. I wanted to know more, I wanted to understand, I wanted to spend hours talking about the most random things on earth. I loved how I could forget the misery that depression and anxiety brought to me and talk to him and let him occupy my thoughts. It wasn’t easy for him I’m sure to be with someone so battered. Someone so messed and confused. I don’t know how survived, how we survived.

Slowly, it no longer was about just another friend whom you talk to. It became more than that. It became my strength when I was being weak, it became my anchor when I was random and chaotic, it became reason when I was being irrational but above everything it became a reason to give living a shot. Isn’t it crazy how we out of nowhere find a human heart so beautiful that you just want to nurture it and keep it safe and happy?

I started feeling insecure. I didn’t want to give my heart in someone else’s hand. I didn’t want to expect in spite of how many things I felt deep inside me. But when I started realising that he had insecurities too.. That he felt things in a similar if not the same way, I got the courage to put myself out there. I knew it was going to hurt, I knew it was going to be difficult but I had found someone I wanted to love. In the past I have regretted not loving people enough before I lost them, if something is worth the pain, I thought, it had to be this.

And today, after so much time has passed I have realized the beauty of this fucked up thing called love. And here’s what i think about it. Love is the ultimate truth of living and it’s magical because it’s astonishingly real, it moves you, it makes you accept the human nature and it teaches you that life must be lived in the moment. It is unpredictable, it is delicate yet strong but above all worth dying for. It helps you evolve into a better version of yourself. It makes you kinder and more empathetic. It makes life worth living.

I don’t know what tomorrow beholds

If you remember me then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.
– Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore

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On learning a new language

Ca c’est ma vie et je l’aime – http://wp.me/p6DOiF-8O

So I know quiet a few people who know French! French is sort of an optional or an elective subject that one can take.. Since it turns out to be the third language/ in some cases 4th, it’s actually not given much attention.

Two people I know who love french are some of the loveliest people in my life whose presence I most certainly cherish. One is the author of the post I just shared. The other is my boyfriend.

I read this post when she published it and it just filled this silly head of mine with so many thoughts that I couldn’t gather them right away.

Learning a new language isn’t a process it’s an emotion. I had never looked at it this way until I read excerpts from Jhumpa Lahiri’s new book In Other Words that is her experience of writing in Italian (she’s an American whose roots are from India, her parents being Bengali

I realise that learning a new language sparks a new sense of curiosity. More like a new place to live in.

I don’t know when and how but learning a new language is definitely on my bucket list.

Thanks Sonali for giving us this much needed dose of optimism and self love. We in this space are always looking for such bits of joy! Love xx

What love we want?

They say all artists are obsessed with love. Well, all artists are obsessed with emotions and love is a very strong emotion. I remember during my early teens I was a naive ‘I hate love stories ‘ person. I’m sure a lot of you have gone through that phase.

Eventually I grew out of that. No, that doesn’t mean I’m a hopeless romantic binge watching rom-coms and reading crazy ass Cecelia Ahern books. I can’t do that. I hate the portrayal of love in this ‘perfect’ fashion. Like.. Why are you raising false expectations in us? Just because the man I love never gave me flowers doesn’t me he feels no love for me! All love stories are different. Because life is different for different people. And all this hype about the perfect romance constantly keeps pushing us towards trying to live the fucking cliché which almost never materialises because duh! It’s not meant to!

I don’t even know what love is. Who does? Every person has their own take on the issue and the only conclusion you can come to from this is that love is a unique experience for everyone.

So here’s my take on it:

Two years ago I read this life changing classic, Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence. The protagonist is a man from native English background who says that he wants a real woman. The idea of women being idols of sophistication and elegance does not quite suit him. He says he wants a woman who can shit and piss, a woman who wants to be loved both body and soul. And why shouldn’t he want such a woman! Only a few people dare to step out of the stereotype and truly chase life and taste what it is.

This book obviously was banned because of explicit writing and the crazy idea of love on a whole that the society for a really long time wasn’t in a position to accept.

Some other books that changed my perspective on the topic are: The Time Traveller’s Wife by Audrey Niffineger , Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami, We That Are Left by Clare Clarke to name a few.

Love doesn’t have to be perfect, it has to be true. If two people genuinely want each other, irrespective of how crazy the circumstances are, how impossible reaching the shore might seem, love does really find it’s way. And if you ever end up meeting a man/ woman who does not stand for your love, be glad that you came to know about it because life is short and nobody deserves a coward lover.

Well so many words, because I can’t touch you. If I could sleep with my arms around you, the ink could stay in the bottle. […] We really trust in the little flame, and in the unnamed god that shields it from being blown out. There’s so much of you here with me, really, that it’s a pity you aren’t all here.

– D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ramblings of the misunderstood

I do believe that earth, at it’s brilliance is the human race and that we aren’t perfect but perfect enough to not only survive but metaphorically be the rulers and conquerors of those that are way more stronger than us. But it cannot be denied that our body and mind, at it’s best also has flaws and incapability. Coming to the point, no matter how efficient you think you are, a lot is lost between thinking and conveying. The things that are lost are the things we wish we knew because the absence of these things is exactly why misunderstandings occur.

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I am not sure how far this is true but some of us seem to be more unfortunate than the others. We speak louder, clearer, try to be more efficient than we have ever been. We repeat ourselves, are more expressive in showing affection and concern. We are the light bearers. We initiate negotiation, try to clear things up. We consider others’ feelings above our own because we are constantly convinced by our conscience to do so.

This is the category of people who have been through the bad side of life, are well aware of how bad things can get and most importantly don’t want anyone at all to suffer the same way they did.

The funny thing is these people are misunderstood easily. In a world like this why would anyone be good to anyone! People are suspicious, sometimes too immature to understand the motive behind this person’s good behavior and at other times this person is tagged as a people-pleaser and left alone.

There is a limit to which someone would bare things. A human limit to which someone tries to be human. A wound often covers itself with a tough cuticle to protect itself, so does a wounded heart. Constantly being misunderstood does that to people.

So anyone who seems distantly cold and uninterested may not necessarily be a cold person. Life’s a bitch. And perfection is a lie. Illusion is the truth.

Illusions

Don’t fall for crap it’s a trap. No.. I’m not trying to tell you that there’s some sort of matrix out here.. Neither am I trying to talk about any Christopher Nolan movie..

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It’s like maze and we can’t find our way out.

Some people seem to be liking us.

Some people seem to be hating us.

Some people seem to be confused all the time.

Some people too intelligent, others too stupid.

Does he like me that way or are we just friends?

What does that comment mean? Is he trying to be rude?

What do straight face people mean when they say anything at all?

The list is unending and I just can’t seem to find the right words to describe this whole chaotic situation. The only word that describes it best is ‘illusions’.

Haven’t you ever experienced this, that you had this particular image of a person and that just turned around and then you realised how contradictory your opinions were! Me too. You’re not alone.

Sickest illusion of all? Love.

The truth behind silence

There was a time when silence used to intimidate me. It made me feel like I was missing on something really important. It made me feel like there was silence because people were upset because of me. And if not, because of some reason and it was my duty to make it up to them. These ideas didn’t really make sense and this is when I realised I needed to find something.

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One of the reasons why silence felt so intimidating is because of the society’s idea of silence. Dark and lethal. It is only later I found out that silence isn’t absent at all.. It is perhaps the air that fills our world and our minds. And that sometimes, yes it portrays negativity and sadness.

The silence that’s before a storm is overwhelming but the silence following it is devastating. This devastating silence is what I felt multiple times in my childhood and in my teenage. This scarred silence for me. I didn’t want anyone to face things. I wanted people to know that I was there.. I was there with them and that they were not alone in taking these blows that life had assigned them. 

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It’s only later I realised that silence isn’t so much of a bad thing. Some fights are to be fought in silence and all we can do is wait in silence. Patiently and modestly by their side. The silence that fills a broken heart is also the silence that fills a well stacked library. It is on us to how we deal with it and it’s deafening roar. Not so deafening perhaps.

Love – I

Defining the indefinable, explaining the indescribable. It feels like a tune that is stuck in your head but you just can’t find the right words to sing it. It’s like a beautiful picture which others can’t see and you just can’t, even after all the efforts, explain. It leaves you breathless and the desperation to show them what you have seen is immeasurable.

This is how it feels like when people ask me about my opinion about love. What saddens me is how media and a huge chunk of people have associated ‘love’ with ‘sexual’ feelings, that it almost sounds like an abuse if you ever happen to use that word.

No narrow minded people you need to stop. Metaphors are crazy and similes are striking. It’s the warmth of milk on cold night, the coolness of mint for a thirsty throat. It’s like the breeze on a hot day, the breath you catch when you’ve ran for a mile. It is essential and inescapable. You will find it but it often appears in disguise. Like anger and rage it isn’t so direct and expressive. But it is as frequent and as intense.

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Maybe it is difficult defining it, but i could tell you where i found it. It’s uncertainty is plausible. It is a life saver. An encounter with love feels like being back at home after a long weary journey. It is in the arms of a mother. There are days which wouldn’t end and nights so sleepless and haunting. After a long suffering when i fall into the arms of my mother i feel, time stops there. And i can always go back to the moment , and i do, whenever i feel i am not blessed enough. If you can find shoulders you can cry your heart on, feeling healed; you have found love. And it is in the eyes of a few people. They believed in me when i didn’t believe in myself. They knew i would rise even when i felt i wouldn’t be alive. It is this feeling that makes life worth living. This feeling of being able to look at ourselves in the mirror and know that we don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Love comes to us even when we don’t love. But it is our refusal of accepting this love that makes us unworthy of it. And by accepting love i mean, giving it back, way more than we received.

Again, I don’t mean to say that sex and love don’t go together. What i mean to say is, we cannot narrow down it’s meaning to it. Because i can’t fail to admit that sometimes a street dog has made me feel more loved than a lot of people related to me have. If you are ready to feel it, it is ready to heal you. Take a deep breath and let the magic in.

There Is Nothing Like Too Much Of Anything We Love

You read too many books, how? You watch too many movies, why? You listen to too much music, how? Your garden will become a jungle soon if you keep gardening! Where the hell are you getting so much money from to travel? Working out so much, I’m shocked i can see you. Too many pets, is your house a zoo?

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Calm the hell down people.

1. You read too many books, how?

Umm.. I use my eyes and try to co ordinate it with my brain! Duh!

Well i do read a lot of books because I LOVE reading a lot of books. Not that I’m jobless. I wake up early in the morning, finish my chores and assignments on time, read while travelling. Read while i have a free lecture, maybe during lunch if am alone. At the bus stop while waiting for my bus.

Yes i don’t have  a huge group of people to take selfies with. Because i like my own stuff. I like reading. Yes i don’t groom up like other people do but all that is by choice. Because i want to do what i love ALL THE TIME! So i find time for it! If we love someone, we always have time for them, if we love something we always have time for it! Duh!

2. You watch too many movies, why?

Umm.. Because i like watching movies. Duh!

Yes i love movies, possibly i am interested in photography, intrigued by cinematography and enjoy how a human being indifferently becomes a completely different person onscreen. Yes i have a job, or i go to college. I save every penny i can. I don’t buy popcorn in the cinema hall. But i try grabbing  a movie every time i can. Because that ishh makes me happy. And your question seems as invalid as your existence to me. But i answered you anyway.

3. Your garden will become a jungle soon if you keep gardening!

Sure. Then we could play Jumanji Jumanji maybe. Maybe then you could get shot by the hunter.

I sacrifice sleep and wake up early to take care of my small garden. I sacrifice Sundays and get the best manure i can for my love. Because i love them and i love doing it. And i don’t know where the jungle logic comes from. God bless your wild imagination.

4. Where the hell are you getting so much money from to travel?

Umm.. I earn it because stealing and plundering is illegal

I love travelling and i want to go around the world. I save money, i avoid buying unwanted stuff, i work on holidays, i work extra hours sometimes to save all the money i need to travel. Trust me i am not really satisfied. The thirst to discover the world on my own is insatiable. And my patience to answer your question more elaborately is on the edge.

5. Working out so much, I’m shocked i can see you.

Oh. I. See.

I love working out because it gives me a positive sense of satisfaction, brilliant energy and patience to deal with my job. Because i do have a job! And a life! Living healthy has more mental than physical impact. No i am not working out because i want to look hot. Maybe working out might help broadening your narrow mind.

6. Too many pets, is your house a zoo?

You could come for a visit.

I love my pets, i treat them like family, i spend a lot on them because i get genuine love back in return. Yes a lot of people are jealous of the kind of unconditional love my pets give me, they keep feeling i am a zoo keeper. The truth is i am a keeper (Take hints)

7. You listen to too much music, how?

Umm.. Ears maybe?

This question is stupid. Go get a life. F off.

Dealing With Death

Don’t you cry for the lost, smile for the living.

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Well this is one very sensitive aspect of our lives. Something that we never want to think about until we really face it. Until it has been pushed on us.

Death? The Leveler (James Shirley). Cold heart-ed. No-heart-ed. Adjectives are endless shades of dark, cruel and inevitably soul piercing. A heartless bastard who takes a part of you away, a void is created, a vacuum which shall always remain. A beast who can’t see you in love. A shadow of hell perhaps.

Well. The madness of these adjectives and descriptions has to stop. Stop. Take. A. Deep. Breath. Yeah! Now let’s begin afresh.

A warm hug to you, you and you. Anyone and everyone who felt doomed, shaken and betrayed because it was death, the ultimate robber, the invincible fiend who took your loved ones away from you. I felt doomed astonishingly many times. Severely twice.

The first time i was introduced to the whole concept of someone leaving you and never coming back was someone very near to me. My father. Ten years ago. My grandfather, quiet recently. My heart winces a little as i write, but i will complete this nevertheless.

For some of us, our fate has been too hard on us. We didn’t have the remotest of all ideas that such a thing might strike on us. That suddenly the next day you wake your whole world would have changed, in a way destroyed, in another dismantled. For others it had been long anticipated, the ache is the same, just the form is different.

Who knows when, when is the last time you are saying goodbye to someone you love. Who knows when is the last time you are looking into their eyes, so full of emotions because if death takes over, they’d be lifeless and saying nothing.

Yes. How this affects us is cruel but how we let it affect us is what makes the real difference. Ten years ago when i was a ten year old, i couldn’t really understand the meaning of death. It was something beyond my scope of comprehension. When it occurred, i knew i had been struck. Memories were overflowing. I would keep forgetting that he isn’t a part of us anymore and tears would sting my eyes at the oddest of all hours, leaving me embarrassed and vulnerable.

1. Empathy v/s Sympathy

I kept going through this for a long time. People changed. Their behavior had changed. Some would look at us with sympathy, others with disgust. The sympathy only infuriated me, the disgust only left me puzzled. I mean . YES I LOST MY DEAR ONE, BUT I CAN DO MY SHIT ON MY OWN!

Empathy and sympathy are two different things. The moment you sympathise with them is the moment you are inviting serious outrage.  ‘You don’t have to feel sorry for me.’

If you are going through such a situation, sometimes sympathies are tempting. Beware, it’s a trap. It’ll only make you emotionally parasitic, hollowing you from inside, making it difficult to recover.

2. Cry your heart out

It is okay to not be okay sometimes. If it hurts, cry it out! Stop swallowing hard on the lump in your throat.  It’s essential to go with the flow. Let it go, every thing that holds you back must go. Till when shall you hold a storm inside you, if not released it’ll only destroy you.

3. Don’t look for consolation

Nobody will give you the consolation you need. It cannot be enough! It isn’t your favorite pen that you have lost! It’s darn more! You cannot expect someone to heal your wounds. At the same time you cannot be ungrateful. The fact that they want to console you is also the fact that they care. Hold onto people who care dammit! (But don’t suck their blood! Come on!)

4. Stop crying your heart out

You CAN’T cry all your life. No matter how much you cry, it is NEVER going to erase the scars that their absence has left. You can’t keep filling you dustbin with tissue papers.

Get up. Look at yourself in the face. You are not weak. He has given you a tough storm because He believes you can go through a tough storm. Don’t make Him feel He was wrong.

Get your shit together!

5. Make their presence felt

Your loved ones always yearned for your happiness and success. Realise their dreams, so what if they can’t be there to celebrate it with you? Look for their presence in the happiness of others. Do your share, contribute to someone’s happiness in their name. Adopt a pet; find a new hobby. Do anything you feel would make them happy. Their happiness will give you happiness. This is how the world goes ahead. Let your heart decide.

Because life goes on

And even if i’m not there tomorrow
I’d still hope your laughter would fill
All the air around you
And I would still wish
It is only happiness that surrounds you

I have gone away from the world
Which was at times bitter, at other times sweet
But I’m still somewhere near your heart
Calm down, death isn’t a defeat

It in fact is a river we cross
Who knows what shall lay ahead
Nevertheless, no matter what
You’ll be in my thoughts when i’m going to bed

So even if i’m not there tomorrow
Even if my memories fade away
I’ll be there somewhere
Always smiling and wishing the best for you

Love, to everyone.

No, I don’t hate men. Yes I’m a feminist.

Yes I’m a feminist. No i don’t hate men.

I had to write it. Not only because i had almost offended (unintentionally) a couple of people but also that i always wanted the world to know this.

Well of course abla naari (helpless woman) is an image that has been stuck to the fairer sex of the society since forever. Whether painters or writers, doctors or mathematicians, women in the ancient times had been suppressed, had not given opportunities and if at all they dared to come ahead were condemned with great public opinion. I still end up meeting a lot of people who tell me similar things,people who are mean, inhuman and ignorant, who are as ancient as those stories, which is unfortunate and i’d really pray for them.

As responsible women we try to endorse or encourage the idea of a confident woman. Yes we do. But that in no way implies that we are trying to, as some people might ridiculously call it ‘compete’ with men.

There is no competition. The union of both male and female is responsible for the world that exists today, is proof of the fact that we aren’t competitors, we are here to be together. That is what feminism is all about.

The first time i ever met a feminist was my English teacher, whom i’m more than grateful to, for so many things she has done to me and is unaware of. Yes she told me i didn’t have to give up but at the same time was the one who made a much more open minded person.

My father, isn’t my hero. No i wouldn’t call him a hero. He is God to me. I have no idea what exists above but if it someone. I hear a male voice. I feel his presence when i feel His.

My brother, my first love. The first time i ever wanted to protect something, it was my brother. He looked up on me. He loved me and wanted me around. I’d be the hero for him no matter what the world said. No matter how many times i failed. I was still the hero. I still am. This is what love is, if at all it exists in the face of the earth.

My best friends, my support. Two people who come from two completely different worlds but people who have stood by me. Whether the weather was warm or stormy. Nothing mattered. I have cried my heart, i have laughed my lungs out. I have felt at home whenever i was with them. They are men.

Well I’m yet to fall in love but i completely leave it for the time to come.

Whether it is Robin Williams or G. H. Hardy. Inspiration occurs without keeping in mind the sex of the people who inspire us. If Jane Austen would have been a man, I would have loved her as much. Maybe a bit more who knows (winks)

What i mean to say is. Friendship and love are two things that won’t care about your gender. (i don’t know if this is the stupidest sentence ever made but it makes complete sense)

Equality. Is. What. We. Need.