Category Archives: Comtemplations

What love we want?

They say all artists are obsessed with love. Well, all artists are obsessed with emotions and love is a very strong emotion. I remember during my early teens I was a naive ‘I hate love stories ‘ person. I’m sure a lot of you have gone through that phase.

Eventually I grew out of that. No, that doesn’t mean I’m a hopeless romantic binge watching rom-coms and reading crazy ass Cecelia Ahern books. I can’t do that. I hate the portrayal of love in this ‘perfect’ fashion. Like.. Why are you raising false expectations in us? Just because the man I love never gave me flowers doesn’t me he feels no love for me! All love stories are different. Because life is different for different people. And all this hype about the perfect romance constantly keeps pushing us towards trying to live the fucking cliché which almost never materialises because duh! It’s not meant to!

I don’t even know what love is. Who does? Every person has their own take on the issue and the only conclusion you can come to from this is that love is a unique experience for everyone.

So here’s my take on it:

Two years ago I read this life changing classic, Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence. The protagonist is a man from native English background who says that he wants a real woman. The idea of women being idols of sophistication and elegance does not quite suit him. He says he wants a woman who can shit and piss, a woman who wants to be loved both body and soul. And why shouldn’t he want such a woman! Only a few people dare to step out of the stereotype and truly chase life and taste what it is.

This book obviously was banned because of explicit writing and the crazy idea of love on a whole that the society for a really long time wasn’t in a position to accept.

Some other books that changed my perspective on the topic are: The Time Traveller’s Wife by Audrey Niffineger , Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami, We That Are Left by Clare Clarke to name a few.

Love doesn’t have to be perfect, it has to be true. If two people genuinely want each other, irrespective of how crazy the circumstances are, how impossible reaching the shore might seem, love does really find it’s way. And if you ever end up meeting a man/ woman who does not stand for your love, be glad that you came to know about it because life is short and nobody deserves a coward lover.

Well so many words, because I can’t touch you. If I could sleep with my arms around you, the ink could stay in the bottle. […] We really trust in the little flame, and in the unnamed god that shields it from being blown out. There’s so much of you here with me, really, that it’s a pity you aren’t all here.

– D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Loneliness and fear

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A nice thing to say but the history of this man shows promise of how difficult these small things are. My biggest fear is choosing something out of fear and compromise. Retaining my own self in a world that is constantly trying to change me. As if I am just a lump of wet clay or melted wax.

Days are easy to pass by nights are difficult for the insomniacs. It might be a medical condition for some but for some of us.. It is a way of life.

I hide my swollen eyes with kohl and colour. People think it is to make me look bolder, perhaps it does. It is my attempt to paint away the harsh reality of how fragile and vulnerable, these eyes hardly want to hide anything. If only we could be like our eyes, reflecting clarity, forgiving, raw.

Days have passed now and so they will and this what gives me hope. Fear I shall not, for now I know that fear is conquerable.

Ramblings of the misunderstood

I do believe that earth, at it’s brilliance is the human race and that we aren’t perfect but perfect enough to not only survive but metaphorically be the rulers and conquerors of those that are way more stronger than us. But it cannot be denied that our body and mind, at it’s best also has flaws and incapability. Coming to the point, no matter how efficient you think you are, a lot is lost between thinking and conveying. The things that are lost are the things we wish we knew because the absence of these things is exactly why misunderstandings occur.

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I am not sure how far this is true but some of us seem to be more unfortunate than the others. We speak louder, clearer, try to be more efficient than we have ever been. We repeat ourselves, are more expressive in showing affection and concern. We are the light bearers. We initiate negotiation, try to clear things up. We consider others’ feelings above our own because we are constantly convinced by our conscience to do so.

This is the category of people who have been through the bad side of life, are well aware of how bad things can get and most importantly don’t want anyone at all to suffer the same way they did.

The funny thing is these people are misunderstood easily. In a world like this why would anyone be good to anyone! People are suspicious, sometimes too immature to understand the motive behind this person’s good behavior and at other times this person is tagged as a people-pleaser and left alone.

There is a limit to which someone would bare things. A human limit to which someone tries to be human. A wound often covers itself with a tough cuticle to protect itself, so does a wounded heart. Constantly being misunderstood does that to people.

So anyone who seems distantly cold and uninterested may not necessarily be a cold person. Life’s a bitch. And perfection is a lie. Illusion is the truth.

Illusions

Don’t fall for crap it’s a trap. No.. I’m not trying to tell you that there’s some sort of matrix out here.. Neither am I trying to talk about any Christopher Nolan movie..

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It’s like maze and we can’t find our way out.

Some people seem to be liking us.

Some people seem to be hating us.

Some people seem to be confused all the time.

Some people too intelligent, others too stupid.

Does he like me that way or are we just friends?

What does that comment mean? Is he trying to be rude?

What do straight face people mean when they say anything at all?

The list is unending and I just can’t seem to find the right words to describe this whole chaotic situation. The only word that describes it best is ‘illusions’.

Haven’t you ever experienced this, that you had this particular image of a person and that just turned around and then you realised how contradictory your opinions were! Me too. You’re not alone.

Sickest illusion of all? Love.

The truth behind silence

There was a time when silence used to intimidate me. It made me feel like I was missing on something really important. It made me feel like there was silence because people were upset because of me. And if not, because of some reason and it was my duty to make it up to them. These ideas didn’t really make sense and this is when I realised I needed to find something.

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One of the reasons why silence felt so intimidating is because of the society’s idea of silence. Dark and lethal. It is only later I found out that silence isn’t absent at all.. It is perhaps the air that fills our world and our minds. And that sometimes, yes it portrays negativity and sadness.

The silence that’s before a storm is overwhelming but the silence following it is devastating. This devastating silence is what I felt multiple times in my childhood and in my teenage. This scarred silence for me. I didn’t want anyone to face things. I wanted people to know that I was there.. I was there with them and that they were not alone in taking these blows that life had assigned them. 

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It’s only later I realised that silence isn’t so much of a bad thing. Some fights are to be fought in silence and all we can do is wait in silence. Patiently and modestly by their side. The silence that fills a broken heart is also the silence that fills a well stacked library. It is on us to how we deal with it and it’s deafening roar. Not so deafening perhaps.

Love – I

Defining the indefinable, explaining the indescribable. It feels like a tune that is stuck in your head but you just can’t find the right words to sing it. It’s like a beautiful picture which others can’t see and you just can’t, even after all the efforts, explain. It leaves you breathless and the desperation to show them what you have seen is immeasurable.

This is how it feels like when people ask me about my opinion about love. What saddens me is how media and a huge chunk of people have associated ‘love’ with ‘sexual’ feelings, that it almost sounds like an abuse if you ever happen to use that word.

No narrow minded people you need to stop. Metaphors are crazy and similes are striking. It’s the warmth of milk on cold night, the coolness of mint for a thirsty throat. It’s like the breeze on a hot day, the breath you catch when you’ve ran for a mile. It is essential and inescapable. You will find it but it often appears in disguise. Like anger and rage it isn’t so direct and expressive. But it is as frequent and as intense.

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Maybe it is difficult defining it, but i could tell you where i found it. It’s uncertainty is plausible. It is a life saver. An encounter with love feels like being back at home after a long weary journey. It is in the arms of a mother. There are days which wouldn’t end and nights so sleepless and haunting. After a long suffering when i fall into the arms of my mother i feel, time stops there. And i can always go back to the moment , and i do, whenever i feel i am not blessed enough. If you can find shoulders you can cry your heart on, feeling healed; you have found love. And it is in the eyes of a few people. They believed in me when i didn’t believe in myself. They knew i would rise even when i felt i wouldn’t be alive. It is this feeling that makes life worth living. This feeling of being able to look at ourselves in the mirror and know that we don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Love comes to us even when we don’t love. But it is our refusal of accepting this love that makes us unworthy of it. And by accepting love i mean, giving it back, way more than we received.

Again, I don’t mean to say that sex and love don’t go together. What i mean to say is, we cannot narrow down it’s meaning to it. Because i can’t fail to admit that sometimes a street dog has made me feel more loved than a lot of people related to me have. If you are ready to feel it, it is ready to heal you. Take a deep breath and let the magic in.

Loneliness

It is just that some of us get pathetically lonely.. On weird times of the day..

And surprisingly these are those people who seem to be very social, extroverts. You’ll find them being friendly with everyone. All categories of people love them. They are always with people.. Smiling and shining, it’s so easy to spot them in the middle of the crowd..

Awfully difficult to understand what they feel because chances are, when they’re truly sad, they disappear. You can’t find them anywhere and you might as well presume that they must be somewhere, happy-go-lucky as they are, laughing and giggling. Seldom is someone so happy always.

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What tears them apart is how a person who could at one point of time be the tinkle of everyone’s eye and at another be so brutally sad and beaten up by the darkness of their own shadow. Something that they, themselves fail to understand or possibly are reluctant to find out.

Knowing all the answers scares me more than anything does. I’m terrified of losing this grip, a thread that binds us to life. And loneliness sometimes is necessary, at other times fatal. All I know is that I’ll fight. I’ll stay and I will make a difference.

Emptiness.

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One Saturday morning you wake up to this disgusting feeling, like someone stole your intestines? Nope that’s too much. Like someone stole this peace which is in your gut. Yeah exactly.

It’ s one of the most awkward feelings one can ever go through. And i’m there in the shower telling my brain “Dude. Come on. We’re already all worked up with a million things on our to-do list. You really wanna play this crap?” Perhaps, the heart wants what it wants (No no no. Not a Selena Gomez fan.)

No matter how much you try to get yourself distracted by stuff, the emptiness that has taken your world for a monster ride isn’t ending and heading nowhere! You clean the bookshelf, you do every god damn work you had kept pending since 2001 . Nope not working.

Let’s try to figure this one out.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Sia. Sia was a sucker for beautiful leaves. Every morning Sia would go to school and by the time she came back she would often bring two or three beautiful leaves and keep them in a box. Days came  when Sia was so busy that she would often slightly open the small tin box in which she kept the leaves, quickly put the leaves inside and close it. Eventually Sia started noticing a foul smell in her room everyday. One Sunday morning she opened her box of leaves only to find her leaves withering and rotten. 

Devastating? Yes it was for her. Why? Because the leaves that she collected were often the only good that happened to her throughout the day. Why couldn’t she take care of it? She thought keeping the leaves in a box would preserve them but only heaven knows how wrong she was. 

“Grandma. My leaves. My leaves are rotten and gone! ” cried Sia almost disappearing into grandma’s arms. The only thing grandma had to say was

“Sia. If ever you love something, never try to hoard. If ever you hate something, never try to hoard it too. Anything  that is hoarded rots. Whether good or bad and it never does any good.” 

So YOU need to stop. Whether it’s the happy feelings or the sad ones. Crazy thoughts or the happy ones. Jot it down, sing it out. Dance it off or play it up. Anyway, do not hoard it. Don not let it stay. Because this emptiness in the gut is actually emptiness in the brain that can never bring any good.

So if you love them. Tell them. If you dislike them, stay away from them. If it hurts, nurture it. If it makes you happy, let the world know. No matter what, feelings like chocolates shouldn’t be ignored (you are going to hell for ignoring chocolates)

It doesn’t let you do what you want, live how  you can . And one day it strikes you like thunder and lightning and all you understand is that ‘someone just stole my intestine’. So save your intestines before you lose you butt.

Love,

Nidhi

xoxoxox

Dealing With Death

Don’t you cry for the lost, smile for the living.

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Well this is one very sensitive aspect of our lives. Something that we never want to think about until we really face it. Until it has been pushed on us.

Death? The Leveler (James Shirley). Cold heart-ed. No-heart-ed. Adjectives are endless shades of dark, cruel and inevitably soul piercing. A heartless bastard who takes a part of you away, a void is created, a vacuum which shall always remain. A beast who can’t see you in love. A shadow of hell perhaps.

Well. The madness of these adjectives and descriptions has to stop. Stop. Take. A. Deep. Breath. Yeah! Now let’s begin afresh.

A warm hug to you, you and you. Anyone and everyone who felt doomed, shaken and betrayed because it was death, the ultimate robber, the invincible fiend who took your loved ones away from you. I felt doomed astonishingly many times. Severely twice.

The first time i was introduced to the whole concept of someone leaving you and never coming back was someone very near to me. My father. Ten years ago. My grandfather, quiet recently. My heart winces a little as i write, but i will complete this nevertheless.

For some of us, our fate has been too hard on us. We didn’t have the remotest of all ideas that such a thing might strike on us. That suddenly the next day you wake your whole world would have changed, in a way destroyed, in another dismantled. For others it had been long anticipated, the ache is the same, just the form is different.

Who knows when, when is the last time you are saying goodbye to someone you love. Who knows when is the last time you are looking into their eyes, so full of emotions because if death takes over, they’d be lifeless and saying nothing.

Yes. How this affects us is cruel but how we let it affect us is what makes the real difference. Ten years ago when i was a ten year old, i couldn’t really understand the meaning of death. It was something beyond my scope of comprehension. When it occurred, i knew i had been struck. Memories were overflowing. I would keep forgetting that he isn’t a part of us anymore and tears would sting my eyes at the oddest of all hours, leaving me embarrassed and vulnerable.

1. Empathy v/s Sympathy

I kept going through this for a long time. People changed. Their behavior had changed. Some would look at us with sympathy, others with disgust. The sympathy only infuriated me, the disgust only left me puzzled. I mean . YES I LOST MY DEAR ONE, BUT I CAN DO MY SHIT ON MY OWN!

Empathy and sympathy are two different things. The moment you sympathise with them is the moment you are inviting serious outrage.  ‘You don’t have to feel sorry for me.’

If you are going through such a situation, sometimes sympathies are tempting. Beware, it’s a trap. It’ll only make you emotionally parasitic, hollowing you from inside, making it difficult to recover.

2. Cry your heart out

It is okay to not be okay sometimes. If it hurts, cry it out! Stop swallowing hard on the lump in your throat.  It’s essential to go with the flow. Let it go, every thing that holds you back must go. Till when shall you hold a storm inside you, if not released it’ll only destroy you.

3. Don’t look for consolation

Nobody will give you the consolation you need. It cannot be enough! It isn’t your favorite pen that you have lost! It’s darn more! You cannot expect someone to heal your wounds. At the same time you cannot be ungrateful. The fact that they want to console you is also the fact that they care. Hold onto people who care dammit! (But don’t suck their blood! Come on!)

4. Stop crying your heart out

You CAN’T cry all your life. No matter how much you cry, it is NEVER going to erase the scars that their absence has left. You can’t keep filling you dustbin with tissue papers.

Get up. Look at yourself in the face. You are not weak. He has given you a tough storm because He believes you can go through a tough storm. Don’t make Him feel He was wrong.

Get your shit together!

5. Make their presence felt

Your loved ones always yearned for your happiness and success. Realise their dreams, so what if they can’t be there to celebrate it with you? Look for their presence in the happiness of others. Do your share, contribute to someone’s happiness in their name. Adopt a pet; find a new hobby. Do anything you feel would make them happy. Their happiness will give you happiness. This is how the world goes ahead. Let your heart decide.

Because life goes on

And even if i’m not there tomorrow
I’d still hope your laughter would fill
All the air around you
And I would still wish
It is only happiness that surrounds you

I have gone away from the world
Which was at times bitter, at other times sweet
But I’m still somewhere near your heart
Calm down, death isn’t a defeat

It in fact is a river we cross
Who knows what shall lay ahead
Nevertheless, no matter what
You’ll be in my thoughts when i’m going to bed

So even if i’m not there tomorrow
Even if my memories fade away
I’ll be there somewhere
Always smiling and wishing the best for you

Love, to everyone.

What if

Valentine’s Day is on the corner and you got nobody. Calm the f down. All of us are in the same boat.

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I really don’t know about you but ‘I’ have been single since forever and trust me, although i use this ‘i am so damn single’ thing to crack jokes and make people laugh, i certainly am not ashamed of it.

Yes yes yes. It’s the same old story. Better be alone than with the wrong person. Maybe I’m not ready for it. It’s too much of an ordeal and pressure. Ain’t nobody got time fellas (Last one, God damn excuse i know *winks*)

The kinds of couples these days make you feel like ‘Uhh No! It’s tacky and a big no no!’ But anyway if all of us really found someone who could sweep us off our feet I’m sure we’d do it “Why the f not!”

Then. What if. What if you found someone.

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No. There’s no background violins playing, no f-ing DDLJ SRK on the guitar. But someone who understands you. Someone who is like. Let’s focus on making the most of this opportunity called life. Someone who is not thinking about asking you out, or getting you laid.  Someone who craves happiness and believes that you could be a part of his. That is what we need. Someone who can be happy in our presence.

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Someone who’ll take you to weird and crazy places. He doesn’t have to take you on dates, he doesn’t have to ‘please’ you. He let’s you be yourself, helps you be yourself!  That’s what we want. Exactly what we want. And if you haven’t got that. Stfu and chill with your friends! Or ping me! Valentine’s Day is stay home in pajamas day for me! 😀

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Mr. Darcy is there somewhere and the magic is yet to happen. Be yourself. Let’s be worth Mr. Darcy. If you know what i mean.