It’s been a while since I published anything at all here. I miss this space which lets my thoughts survive and not choke them. Sometimes the blankness of it gets on me, at other times I just need a place for my thoughts and hence my coming back again and again to this naive titled blog I started as a teenager.
So much has changed I realise. I have changed. The people who were with me then have changed. I no longer am the bubbly extrovert I used to be. In retrospect I notice myself curling more and more into myself. I don’t want a huge herd of friends, I don’t even take the effort anymore. I have learnt to nurture the relationships that have stayed with me, I want more of the real thing, I want more raw, more undressed, more unconventional. It’s my thirst for the truth or my understanding of the triviality of the drama that I see all around me. My recent encounter with depression and anxiety has pushed me more towards introspection. I realise the importance of my thoughts and how they change me and affect the world around me.
Of late I meet a lot of people who tell me I’m rad, some tell me I’m outspoken and some others that I’m shameless. What I do realize is that being a woman is not about being ashamed or abashed about real things, it’s about embracing ourselves both psychologically and biological. To accept that I want sentiment, I want pleasure and that I’m worthy of it all. Not because I’m a woman but because I’m a human being and I as a woman of the 21st century am free to practice my right to freedom of being whatever the hell I want to be, as long as what I do is humane. Ain’t no shame in my game!
I have seen myself turning more towards books. Now I am officially living an adult life, I live on my own, take care of my own needs and try to contribute whatever I can to the society around me. But in this process of achieving the state of pleasant solitude, in my quest of accepting myself and continuous exploration of what I am and what I can be, I somehow feel that either I’m being left behind or I am leaving behind a lot of people around me. I see complete different perspectives, I feel that we aren’t on the same plane anymore. That’s okay. I have to trust my journey.
Nothing makes me happier than people who understand the passion that drives me, who understand that the world needs more thinkers and dreamers and not pretenders and fuss makers. I’m not the only one. Sometimes lying in my bed at night, staring at the ceiling I wonder how many people like me are lying on their beds, staring at their ceiling and dreaming about things that may or may not happen, about things that make them happy or terrify them, about things that move them irrespective. And my heart reaches out to everyone out there. To every kid who dreams. Dreams are the only real thing in a world full of hollow people and fake promises. Because dreams give you a place to be. Dreams give you a reason to stay. To stay and to change; many a times ourselves and sometimes the world.