The fear is real. It’s like yesterday you were walking around the street, buying a book, drinking a cup of coffee boarding a bus. You were thinking of a million mundane things. Of life, of people, of broken promises and untamed dreams. And then all of a sudden it happens. Snap! You meet someone and you know that something has happened, something that you always dreamt of, something you were sure would never happen to you.
It feels like all of a sudden you aren’t in your own skin, a different air surrounds you, a different rhythm in your voice, in your words, in your senses. You are more confident than you ever were. The mere name of that person lifts you up, lightens up your mood, brings out the best in you. Above everything, the new skin feels like you’ve lived in it since ages. Is this the spell broken or is this a spell? It’s hard to believe that it’s happening, you always thought these things only happened in your head.
Only that this time it doesn’t make you anxious. It doesn’t scare you, your lack of talent, your set of vulnerabilities, the bunch of fears that haunt you, the nightmares that keep you up all night. This person helps you embrace them, rise above them. This person makes you wanna be a better person, sing a sweeter song. Not for them but for your own self. And it is this tenderness, this unselfishness that makes your world go round. It’s the tenderness that heals you, the unselfish support and the lack of the fear of being constantly judged and scrutinized that makes you stronger.
You still wake up, walk around, buy a book, drink coffee and board a bus. You still think of stupid mundane things but this time you also think of how real magic is. You think of the lost breath that you were so eager to lose, you think of the rising pulse that rang in your ears. You think of the heaviness which you felt you had accumulated and then the lightness that followed and you almost felt liberated. Now you might want to ask what the hell is your fear? How the hell does this scare you if they make you feel this way?
It’s true that I feel it but does the other person feel the same way? The fear is that after feeling this way, reaching this level, if tomorrow someone told me that it was all a joke, all a time pass, all a way of life, how would I deal with it? How would I let the foundation slip without the building tumbling down? I’ve lost them all my life, these people. Today they’re there, tomorrow they’re not. No matter how you feel, no matter what you feel, you gotta live. Live even if you got scars. But scars sometimes weigh us down.