Monthly Archives: May 2015

Loneliness and fear II

To be misunderstood brings in loneliness which is almost crippling.. It is like a heavy reptile that roams about your being, its scales pushing deep into your skin, crushing every nerve it falls upon and all you can do is sit there all by your own and let it ruin you.

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Was it self inflicted? Possibly. To say that I didn’t want a companion is cold denial. I pushed boundaries and let him in.. Let people dwell at least for some time in the intimacy of my thoughts. But every time this happened, I would always feel that they aren’t accepting this darkness, this chaos of my wandering thoughts. I did find some who did accept these wanderings.. But I let them go. Compromise is not what must happen, for I’d do it myself if that is what my heart yearns.

Genuineness and spontaneity are lost jewels. Stereotypes are stinging. And often stuck in this web I end up where I am.. Here. Alone. Lost in the silence of the dark sky. Very much aware of my own life, of a heart that beats with a rhythmical continuity which is almost mesmerizing.

3.30 am  

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Loneliness and fear

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A nice thing to say but the history of this man shows promise of how difficult these small things are. My biggest fear is choosing something out of fear and compromise. Retaining my own self in a world that is constantly trying to change me. As if I am just a lump of wet clay or melted wax.

Days are easy to pass by nights are difficult for the insomniacs. It might be a medical condition for some but for some of us.. It is a way of life.

I hide my swollen eyes with kohl and colour. People think it is to make me look bolder, perhaps it does. It is my attempt to paint away the harsh reality of how fragile and vulnerable, these eyes hardly want to hide anything. If only we could be like our eyes, reflecting clarity, forgiving, raw.

Days have passed now and so they will and this what gives me hope. Fear I shall not, for now I know that fear is conquerable.